̽��ֱ�� of Cambridge - Lucy Blake

Opinion: How to start healing those Brexit family rifts

cjb250 — Fri, 01 Jul 2016 14:28:35 +0000

It has been an emotional month for many in the UK. After the sadness and anger that followed the tragic murder of MP Jo Cox, many people now feel fearful and apprehensive as the consequences of the EU referendum begin to reveal themselves.

It has also been a divisive time, and the number of racist incidents reported to the police has risen in the days since the vote. Facebook and Twitter feeds have been filled with an outpouring of anger, shock and shame from those who voted Remain, and celebration and pride from those who voted Leave.

These feelings of anger, fear and division may well be resonating in our families. Polling data suggests that while messages of internationalism and inclusiveness struck a chord with young voters, their mothers, fathers and grandparents may have been swayed by the Leave campaign’s pledge to “take back control”.

A difference in values can be a major stumbling block for family relationships. In my own recent research in collaboration with the charity Stand Alone, a clash in personality or values was cited as a common cause of relationship breakdown between parents and their adult children, as well as relationships between siblings.

A number of different factors and experiences typically contribute to family rifts. But a difference in values may be particularly significant. In a US study of mothers estranged from adult sons and daughters, the estrangement was more likely to be attributed to a difference in values rather than their child’s engagement in socially unacceptable behaviour – such as engaging in criminal activity or substance abuse.

Seven steps to help healing

Division between “leavers” and “remainers” is already having significant impact on some families. So what practical steps can people take to help heal rifts that may have been caused or exacerbated by the EU referendum?

̽��ֱ��following is not a recipe for achieving the “perfect” post-Brexit family, but rather is a list of suggestions, informed by research on family relationship breakdown and well-being, that might be helpful.

Improve communication skills There is a vast literature on how to develop and learn effective communication skills, which could be helpful to explore if you are looking to enhance your abilities or try to begin to change deeply ingrained family patterns.
Take a break from social media Some people who are struggling with their family relationships take breaks from social media during particularly challenging times such as the holiday season. Stepping back from emotional Facebook or WhatsApp feeds or the intense coverage of Brexit on the 24-hour news cycle might likewise provide some relief.
Positive engagement and action Volunteering and being part of a cause can be beneficial for our mental health and sense of well-being. Being actively engaged in making the changes you want to see in the world, whether they are Brexit-related or not, may be a positive way to funnel feelings of frustration and dismay.
Acknowledge stigma Those who are experiencing family relationship breakdown often describe it as a silent issue that they cannot discuss openly for fear of being judged and blamed. Feelings of shame have been identified as having the potential to lead to feelings of disconnection and isolation. So it may be helpful to recognise that family relationships are often difficult and experiencing conflict and strain are common.
Appreciate that you are not alone If you fear your family relationships may break down, or if they are beginning to do so, it may be helpful to know that you are not alone in this experience. It has been estimated that one in five UK families will be touched by family estrangement and its consequences.
Nothing is permanent Just as the political reality of Brexit is changing daily, our relationships with our family members shift and change. Estrangements are rarely static and cycling in and out of estrangement is common. If you are struggling in your family relationships right now, it does not necessarily mean that you will feel the same way in 12 months’ time.
Seek support Those who are estranged typically wish that their relationships with their family members was more loving, kind and accepting. If your family members do not meet our needs or expectations, it might be helpful to seek emotional and practical support from friends, colleagues or professionals who are able and willing to listen to your experiences and perspectives, and offer reassurance and understanding.

Jo Cox’s compassion has been praised by her family, friends, colleagues, community, and politicians and leaders around the world. It may be challenging to extend tolerance and compassion to “Brexiters” and “Remainers” alike when discussing the EU referendum and its consequences, but as Jo reminded us in her maiden speech in parliament: “We are far more united and have far more in common with each other than things that divide us”.

Lucy Blake, Research Associate at the Centre for Family Research, ̽��ֱ�� of Cambridge

This article was originally published on ̽��ֱ��Conversation. Read the original article.

̽��ֱ��opinions expressed in this article are those of the individual author(s) and do not represent the views of the ̽��ֱ�� of Cambridge.

A difference in values can be a major stumbling block for family relationships, writes Dr Lucy Blake from the Centre for Family Research for ̽��ֱ��Conversation website, and these may have been exacerbated in the recent Brexit debate. So what practical steps can people take to help heal rifts?

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Unhappy families: Nine out ten adults estranged from family find Christmas difficult

cjb250 — Thu, 10 Dec 2015 00:00:46 +0000

Hidden Voices – Family Estrangement in Adulthood, a collaboration between the charity Stand Alone and the Centre for Family Research at the ̽��ֱ�� of Cambridge, is the first in depth piece of UK research on family estrangement. It examines the experiences of over 800 people who self-identify as being estranged from their whole family or a key family member, such as their mother, father, siblings or children.

Becca Bland, Chief Executive of Stand Alone, says: “Family is a huge part of our individual and collective lives and an unconditionally loving, supportive group of relations is idealised in society. Yet this is not always attainable for those who are estranged from their family or a family member. I’m sure this research will be challenging to read, but I’m hopeful that as a society we have the strength to keep listening to people in this position, with the view to eventually understanding why our adult family relationships are not always as unconditionally close and supportive as we might wish and imagine them to be.”

̽��ֱ��report provides an understanding of family estrangement and its characteristics as well as detailing the challenges participants faced when living without contact with family or a key family member. Common factors that contribute to relationship breakdown with parents, siblings and children include emotional abuse, clashes of personality and values, and mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships.

However, estrangement does not necessarily mean there is no contact between family members. A minority of respondents have minimal contact with the person they are estranged from. Similarly, estrangements are not always stable, and cycling in and out of estrangement is not uncommon. Those who wished their estranged relationships could be different wanted a relationship that was more positive, unconditionally loving, warm and emotionally close.

Most often, respondents who were estranged from an adult child reported that their daughter or son had cut contact with them. Of those who had initiated estrangement from a parent, respondents had done so at various ages, with most doing so in their late 20s and early 30s.

̽��ֱ��report shows that the festive period is often the most challenging time for those touched by family estrangement and can be a key time of isolation and vulnerability, with 90% of respondents saying they found the Christmas period a key time of challenge. Other challenging times were reported as birthdays (85%), being around other families (81%) and the death of family members (79%).

“Almost every estranged person finds Christmas the hardest period,” explains Dr Lucy Blake from the Centre for Family Research. “There’s a strong societal expectation of what a family looks like. Social media plays a part too because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives, with Facebook feeds filled with pictures of families celebrating together. ̽��ֱ��reality doesn’t always look like this, but people often find it difficult to talk about that.”

Stigma around the topic of family estrangement is also an issue: two-thirds (68%) of respondents felt that there was stigma around the topic of family estrangement and described feeling judged and feeling as if they were contradicting societal expectations. One in four respondents had turned to their GP for support but reported finding them not at all helpful.

However, not all experiences of estrangement were negative. Around four out of five respondents felt there had been some positive outcomes of their experiences of estrangement, such as greater feelings of freedom and independence.

Reference
Lucy Blake, Becca Bland and Susan Golombok. Hidden Voices – Family Estrangement in Adulthood. 10 December 2015

A new report looking at the experiences of people who are estranged from family members and the challenges they face has highlighted the particular difficulties associated with Christmas.

Social media plays a part because it’s a highlight reel of people’s family lives, with Facebook feeds filled with pictures of families celebrating together

Lucy Blake

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Opinion: Christmas is the hardest time of year for those estranged from close family

Anonymous — Wed, 09 Dec 2015 16:55:05 +0000

With Christmas just around the corner, many will be finalising plans to see their families over the festive period. Yet for others, family relationships are challenging, distant and a source of pain. In some cases, relationships break down entirely leaving people estranged from close relatives.

Results from a new online survey of people estranged from family members that I conducted with the charity Stand Alone, has shown how difficult Christmas can be. ̽��ֱ��survey was completed by 807 people who identified as being estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child.

Almost all identified the holiday season as the most challenging time of year, describing feelings of loneliness, isolation and sadness. These feelings and experiences are in direct contrast to the idealised images of happy families around the dinner table that feature in Christmas advertising and the media at this time of year. One respondent said:

Everyone always says ‘what family plans do you have for holidays?’ and look at you funny when you say none. It’s hard to explain to people why you don’t want to be with your own parents.

Two-thirds of the respondents felt there was a stigma about family estrangement. They described feeling judged or blamed – and feeling that estrangement was a taboo subject about which there is little understanding or acknowledgement.

An advert for the German supermarket Edeka focuses on families living apart.

No two estranged relationships looked alike. Yet common factors often led to estrangement, such as having mismatched expectations about family roles and relationships, clashes in personality and values, and emotional abuse.

Estrangement was found to be more complex than simply a lack of contact or communication between family members. Although most of the respondents who were estranged from a parent, sibling or an adult child had no contact whatsoever with this individual, approximately 25% had contact that was minimal in nature. These results are similar to those of Australian social worker Kylie Aglias, who has distinguished between family members who have no contact at all (physical estrangement) and those whose contact is infrequent, perfunctory, and often uncomfortable (emotional estrangement).

We also found that estranged relationships change over time and that cycles in and out of estrangement are common. Of those who said they wished that their estranged relationship was different, most wanted a relationship that was more loving, warm and emotionally close.

What can be done to help?

When it came to getting support, respondents said those friends and support services which offered them emotional and practical support and took the time to listen to them and show them understanding were the most helpful. They found it unhelpful when they felt friends or counsellors dismissed them or when they felt they had been judged and blamed for the estrangement.

It would be wrong to assume that all those experiencing estrangement wish for there to be reconciliation in the future. Feelings about the future of estranged relationships were varied. Of those who were estranged from a mother or father, most felt that there would never be a functional relationship between them in the future. Yet for those who were estranged from an adult son or daughter, most felt that there could be a functional relationship in the future or were unsure of the future direction of the relationship.

Four out of five respondents also reported that there had been a positive outcome from their experience of estrangement. These included feeling more free and independent, feeling happier and less stressed, and having gained a greater insight or understanding of themselves and relationships more broadly.

By listening to the hidden voices of people who are estranged from close relatives, we can begin to move beyond assumptions about what families could or should look like and begin conversations about families and family relationships as they really are.

Lucy Blake, Research Associate at the Centre for Family Research, ̽��ֱ�� of Cambridge, ̽��ֱ�� of Cambridge

This article was originally published on ̽��ֱ��Conversation. Read the original article.

̽��ֱ��opinions expressed in this article are those of the individual author(s) and do not represent the views of the ̽��ֱ�� of Cambridge.

Lucy Blake (Centre for Family Research) discusses family estrangement and the particular difficulties associated with Christmas.

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